GENE SISKEL INTERVIEWS AN ANVIL

GS: Hello, I'm Gene Siskel of the Limbo Tribune. Tonight I examine the angst-ridden existence of the once-mighty anvil. What practical applications does it have in these modern times? Has it outlived its necessity outside of its frequent use as a cartoon weapon? Does it even qualify as a paperweight or bookend? Where are all the blacksmiths hiding these days?

But first, some history: The anvil was developed in ancient Burbank, California, specifically for use by Jack Warner during contract negotiations with the more volatile personalities of Warner Bros.' vast talent stable. After an unsatisfactory salary discussion with the vitriolic studio head nearly left him paralyzed from the right nostril down, animator Chuck Jones was struck by inspiration: The anvil would be perfect for the ongoing Road Runner series. Risking life and limb, he broke into Warner's main office one night, "borrowed" the anvil, whisked it to the studio for a quick photo session, and returned it to its rightful place before Jack even awoke from his euphoric casting-couch stupor on his conference-room floor. When Jack later saw his precious anvil on the big screen braining Wile E. Coyote to oblivion, he laughed uproariously, while his nervous associates ran for cover. According to studio lore, Jack Warner leapt to his feet after the screening and announced plans to install a cliff near Soundstage 7, where he hoped to lure Sam Goldwyn to his anvil-capped death. The anvil soon became a popular tool in mainstream America, resulting in a crime wave unprecedented in our history. Today, the anvil enjoys a cult following in S&M and bondage circuits. (to Anvil) Welcome.

ANVIL: ...

GS: Now, let's talk about those early years in the movie industry. How would you compare the use of anvils in Hollywood's so-called "golden age" with the use of anvils in contemporary motion pictures?

ANVIL: ...

GS: I'll rephrase the question: Hollywood--how is it different?

ANVIL: ...

GS: Uh, is there any truth to the rumor that you were seen last week squiring Eva Mendez, and that she's turned to you for solace after the dismal second-week performance of 2 Fast 2 Furious?

ANVIL: (falls on Gene's foot)

GS: OW! Good Bingo-Long golly, that hurt!

ANVIL: ...

GS: You've made more movies than Vin Diesel. What would you attribute to your timeless appeal?

ANVIL: ...

GS: Fair enough. Our next guest is Shemp Howard, the second of the Three Stooges to perish by autoasphyxiation and the only Stooge besides Curly to wind up here, in limbo. Welcome, Shemp.

SHEMP: ...

GS: We've all heard stories about the notorious Ted Healy and his capacity for violence. Could you elaborate on that relationship, and possibly separate the legend from the fact?

SHEMP: There is no life, no death, no reality on this plane of consciousness--only the Matrix. The Matrix is a system, Gene. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand: most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.

GS: Could you tell us a little more about Curly? He's a fascinating character, a man-child in James Coco's body.

SHEMP: What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

GS: What the hell are you talking about?

SHEMP: Dude, haven't you seen "The Matrix"?

GS: When the sign ahead says "Keanu Reeves," I make an immediate left into a brick wall. Anyway, that's all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank my two guests, the anvil--

ANVIL: ...

GS: and Shemp Howard--

SHEMP: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future.

GS: Maybe not, but I do. Coming up in the next hour: The All-New Lucy Show. Tonight Lucy gets a visit from an old flame; their reunion date goes smoothly until Lucy realizes she's been hotglued to a lamppost. Musical guest: Lynyrd Skynyrd. Should be fun. Until next time, I'm Gene Siskel, and I'm saving a balcony seat for all y'all motherfuckers.