INFECTIOUS SONG OF THE WEEK: As if "Somebody Told Me" wasn't catchy enough, The Killers' "Smile Like You Mean It," with its whirring Cars-soaked-synth chorus, is easy fodder for my repeat function. The whole album is a hoot. Buy it or I'm not gonna talk to you for a week until you come crawling back like the craven beauhunk you are.



EASY READ OF THE WEEK: Jay Mohr's (yes, that Jay Mohr) Gasping For Airtime, an anorexic volume chronicling his two seasons as a featured player on Saturday Night Live. How's his prose? A bit stilted and fat with cliches, but it's not completely distracting. Is he bitter? Occasionally, but overall he's grateful for the experience. A few things I learned:

1.) Jay Mohr wrestled Chris Farley three times in one day and beat him twice, the last in front of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

2.) David Spade loved fucking supermodels and occasionally begged off appearing in sketches for the express purpose of fucking them.

3.) On a $100 dare, Chris Farley actually took a shit out of an NBC window.

4.) Speaking of shit, Norm Macdonald got food poisoning once and ran around New York, shitting his pants and puking his brains off, trying to convince people on the street he needed help and wasn't a homeless crack addict shitting and puking all over the place.

5.) Jay Mohr asked Dave Grohl, then of Nirvana, if he wanted to spark a doob, right in front of Dave's older relatives.

6.) Rob Schneider was a dick sometimes.

7.) Adam Sandler was a cool guy, though they nearly came to blows offstage once while dressed as Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith.

8.) Jay Mohr's dressing room in the second season was a hastily renovated elevator shaft.

9.) Ellen Cleghorne was a stuck-up bitch who got schooled by Sally Field.

10.) Al Franken on musical guest UB40: "I feel like I'm watching the lounge band at a Dublin Holiday Inn."

11.) Jim Downey was obsessed with his old high school's basketball team, forcing the other writers to watch endless videotapes of their games.

12.) In a dress rehearsal for a Ben-Hur sketch with Charlton Heston, Chris Farley actually whipped out his dick and began masturbating until Heston told him to knock it off.

13.) Jay Mohr suffered from panic attacks and once ran 40 blocks.

14.) Mike Myers was a pretty nice guy. So was the unflappable Lorne Michaels, who Jay witnessed losing his cool once, when Skid Row's Sebastian Bach announced on-air, "We're Skid Row, and this is live, motherfuckers!" Apparently, Lorne's Amstel Light moved an inch and he very calmly said, "Cut their second number."

15.) Being in a sketch with Chris Farley was bad news if he was in a malicious mood--or decked out as Matt Foley. He'd relentlessly work at his fellow actors until they had no choice but to break character and succumb to laughing jags.

16.) Jay Mohr actually thinks the Welcome Back Kotter sketch with John Travolta was the apex of comic SNL glory instead of a liquid pile.

17.) Jay Mohr seems like a pretty cool dude.

18.) Phil Hartman was one of the greatest men who ever lived.