I went to Subway at lunch today and discovered an offshoot of the now-infamous shitbricking Play-Doh brained oblivious gleeful assholed suckers of sock (a classification now recognized by the Poynter Institute): the Cellphoned Dickear. I'm talking about those waddling creatures who use the wonder of technology to piss total strangers off, those beasts who bounce rhythmically from foot to foot while taking complicated food orders from some other asshole who couldn't be bothered to accompany Cellphoned Dickear to the physical restaurant, those ripple-breathed swine who go to strenuous lengths to make sure the overall connection is terrible and that they have to repeat everything more than six times to both caller and "sandwich specialist" before anyone knows what the fuck's going on. The conversation usually goes like this.

SANDWICH DUDE: (unconvincingly) Welcome to Subway. Can I help you?
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: Yeah, uh, lemme, uh, lemme have like a, a fuckin' footlong meatball on, uh, honey oregano, and, uh, just a minute...
(punches in phone number, oblivious to the howls of protest)
CELLPHONED DICKEAR (finally making a connection): Yeah, fool, I'm at the Subway. What you want? Uh-huh. (looks at menu) Uh-huh. (looks some more) Do they even have that? I don't see it up here. (to SANDWICH DUDE) You guys have, like, a, uh...a, uh...a, uh...you know, like, a thing of soup?
SANDWICH DUDE: Yeah, we got soup.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: I don't see it up there.
SANDWICH DUDE: Kinda soup.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (back on phone) Kinda soup? (to SANDWICH DUDE) Kinda soup you got?
SANDWICH DUDE: Today it's broccoli cream or green beans and pomegranate.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (back on phone) Yeah, you get that? (to SANDWICH DUDE) What's the soups again?
SANDWICH DUDE: Broccoli cream...
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (on phone) Broccoli cream...
SANDWICH DUDE: Green beans 'n' pomegranate.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (on phone) Green beans 'n' pomegranate.
(pause.)
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: Naw, he don't want no soup. Well, whatchoo want, fool, hurry up, I got a line behind me. (to SANDWICH DUDE) What's the special?
SANDWICH DUDE: Uh, right now we got a pastrami extract meal for $3.99.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (on phone) Pastrami extract meal for $3.99. (to SANDWICH DUDE) What comes with that?
SANDWICH DUDE: Uh, medium drink, chips, and a cookie.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: What kinda chips?
SANDWICH DUDE: Uh, any kinda you want.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (on phone) You get that? OK. (to SANDWICH DUDE) Hey, man, you got any, like, sandwiches that taste like a Bacon Double Cheeseburger?
SANDWICH DUDE: Well, you can put bacon and cheese on... whatever.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: Naw, I mean, like, the meat--like, can you take a whole bunch of meatballs and smash them into, like, a real long hamburger patty or some shit, you know, and just wipe off the sauce?
SANDWICH DUDE: No.
CELLPHONED DICKEAR: (back on phone) Can't do that, man. OK. (to SANDWICH DUDE) Nah, he don't want nothin'.